Author Archive

The 8th Annual Outies!

I know we’ve been having fun, giving out our totally officials awards at catcher, first base, second base, third base, and shortstop, but things are about to take a dark turn.

It might be sad, it might be depressive but writing this has again put me in a bad place; a place filled with bad trades, bad stats, and absolutely, positively, no (NO!) fun. Read the rest of this entry »

The 3rd Annual Thirdies!

We’ve had appetizers at catcher, first base, second base, and shortstop, but now it’s time to look upward for some protein (powder).

Looking for someone who ascends to heights normally only dreamt of by those who grew up wearing Husky brand jeans. Arching high into the sky, going even further beyond the Chili’s down on Maple where many of his lookalike peers will go to celebrate if they beat Mitch’s Hardware on Wednesday night.

A player whose ability to hit bombs is matched only by his resemblance to someone who looks like they play in a league where there’s a keg at each base.

The People’s Hero. Every year he rises up (hopefully, to see if that waitress is ever going to bring out more ranch for our Texas cheese fries), and every year we recognize him.

Ladies & Gentlemen: The Thirdies Read the rest of this entry »

The Sixth Annual Shorties

Welcome back to what was recently named the #2 fantasy award show in the nation according to people and pets who live in my house. Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

We’ve already handed out our prestigious awards at catcher, first base, and second base, so let’s keep it moving around the horn. But first, since children need to be taken to the library, I’m afraid that you’re going to have to come up with your own dated Fifty Cent references – I simply have no time.

Ja-Ja-Ja G-Unit – It’s the Shorties!

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The Second Annual Secondies!

Attention! Attention! All seat fillers need to get up and please move outside to the concourse. Immediately. We’ve made it through the Catchies and the Firsties but we’re about to get going again and we just can’t have any of you normies accidentally getting on camera and making everyone at home feel sad.

Thank you for your service and please collect your payment from the front – which may or may not be a swag bag filled with all of the Kylie Jenner lip glosses that were banned by the FDA because the test animals started sprouting extra noses she really wanted to donate for all of her loyal fans.

It’s the Secondies!

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The 41st Annual Firsties!

Thank you, thank you. Welcome back to the next round of fantasy baseball awards that nearly no one was asking for! I’m talking, of course, about the Firsties! The Firsties first came into our lives over 40 years ago and we here at the Academy would like to thank all of you for continuing to care super, duper, deeply about these fake awards. But before we get into these hotly contested awards, the committee would like to make one small announcement, as there seems to have been some earlier confusion about acceptable levels of shenanigans.

Just so we’re crystal – we are currently operating at a 0% Shenanigan Level. Not 10%, not 5%, not even 1%. Zero. Anyone not adhering to said policy will be asked to go inside and stop letting the sun warm your face for a minimum of one month because it’s time to get cereal. Super cereal.

Let the show continue – it’s the Firsties! Read the rest of this entry »

The First Annual Catchies!

*Small smattering of applause that sounds a lot like my wife imploring our kids to “please just clap for Daddy doing his dumb thing”.*

Thank you, thank you – and welcome back to the nation’s most premier(est) fantasy baseball award ceremony! We’ll be starting our offseason festivities off with the tools of ignorance – and no, I’m not talking about my projection methodology (awkward pause)…

*obviously canned audience laughter*

There it is! Now, please, just sit back, relax, and get ready for more bad jokes and lots of talk about the grown men who play on our pretend baseball teams.

It’s the Catchies!

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Roto Riteup: September 28, 2023

bUT tHe RoooLLzzzz!!!

On the Agenda

  1. News and Notes
  2. Bumps and Bruises
  3. Streaming Pitchers

These abbreviated notes are brought to you by me working off my phone’s hotspot due to our jerk store neighbors knocking out the neighborhood’s internet on Monday because they didn’t get their utility lines marked before putting in a new sprinkler system.

Salute to you.

News and Notes

Ryan Mountcastle returned to the Orioles lineup yesterday after missing around two weeks with shoulder inflammation. Mountcastle was in a mini-slump before eventually being placed on the IL, going 0-for-18 in his last five games, but prior to that had been having a monstrous second half, slashing .353/.425/.538 over 179 PA since the break, with a .411 wOBA and 168 wRC+.

The return of Mountcastle will likely pump the breaks on us finishing the fantasy season with a Ryan O’Hearn SZN – while Mountcastle was injured, O’Hearn slashed .286/.314/.469 over 52 PA, with 2 HR but had most recently gone 0-for-13.

Jeimer Candelario returned yesterday after being sidelined since September 11 with a back strain, going 0-for-4. Candelario has been one of fantasy’s nice surprises this season but had been struggling prior to going on the IL, slashing just .141/.242/.359  over his last 25 games.

Bumps and Bruises

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. was scratched from Wednesday’s game with left shoulder tightness but it doesn’t appear to be serious and he could return as soon as today. Consider him day-to-day.

Nolan Schanuel missed his second straight game yesterday with a tight knee. Consider him day-to-day.

Yandy Díaz missed his second straight game after coming up with a tight right hamstring on Sunday. Consider him day-to-day. But first, let us pause for the lamest victory lap ever…I told y’all my guy Yandy has been a points league god for a while, especially in leagues with a strikeout penalty – with the season coming to a close, Díaz is the #18 hitter on ESPN, #26 on CBS, #30 on NFBC, #34 on Yahoo, and #38 on Fantrax.

Points. God.

Streaming Pitchers

Streaming Pitcher for Today: David Peterson, NYM vs MIA – If you’re looking for ratios and/or wins, Peterson probably isn’t your guy but if in need of strikeouts, he’s easily the best option available. Peterson has a 4.73 ERA (3.07 FIP) and 1.39 WHIP, with zero wins over his last five starts but also racked up 37 K in 26.2 IP, with a 32% K%.

High Risk for Today: Touki Touissant, CHW vs ARI – Touissant is coming off of back-to-back good starts, allowing a total of 2 ER over 11.1 IP, with 10 K. But his strikeout ability tends to come and go (he had 8 K vs MIN, and 2 K vs BOS) and big blowups remain firmly in his bag – prior to the two good starts, Touissant had his doors blown off by the freaking Royals, allowing 8 ER in just 1 IP.

Streaming Pitcher for Tomorrow: Ken Waldichuk, OAK @LAA – In four September starts, Waldichuk has a 3.27 ERA (3.76 FIP) over 22 IP, striking out 15 and picking up two Wins. But while he was stellar in three of those starts (18 IP, 2 ER), San Diego tagged him for 6 ER in 4 IP because he’s still Ken Waldichuk.

But hey! If you can’t put your fantasy championship hopes and dreams on an Oakland A’s pitcher, what’s even the point?

Roto Riteup: September 21, 2023

Oh, baby, fellow Nick – that’s how you save a game:

On the Agenda:

  1. News and Notes
  2. Bumps and Bruises
  3. Streaming Pitchers

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Roto Riteup: September 18, 2023

Say it ain’t so – Bar-to-NO-OOOOOO!

On the Agenda:

  1. News and Notes
  2. Bumps and Bruises
  3. Streaming Pitchers

Read the rest of this entry »

Roto Riteup: September 14, 2023

I know that the Braves love to Braves in the postseason but damn, do they seem overwhelming:

On the Agenda:

  1. News and Notes
  2. Bumps and Bruises
  3. Comeback Trails
  4. Streaming Pitchers

News and Notes

In the latest, “Why Would You Purposely Trade for Mets Cursed Players?” news, Max Scherzer is done for the regular season after straining his teres major during a start on Tuesday. The 39-year-old is unlikely to need surgery but a playoff return seems to carry about the same odds. Hopefully, the Rangers didn’t trade some all-world bloodlines that is slashing .300/.366/.419 at Double-A this season, with an 18% K% and 56 SB, in order to acquire him.

Kenley Jansen was placed on the COVID-IL on Wednesday after being pulled early on Tuesday with fatigue. He’ll have to stay on the list for at least seven days, with Chris Martin likely to take over closing duties in the interim. Martin only has one Save this season but has been quietly impressive while grabbing 22 Holds, posting 1.14 ERA (2.50 FIP) over 47.1 IP, with a 1.01 WHIP.

Nolan Gorman was placed on the 10-day IL with a Grade 2 hamstring strain after injuring it while running out a single on Tuesday. This likely ends Gorman’s season, with the Cardinals slugger finishing with 27 HR in 464 PA. But the bigger bright side comes with his improvement vs LHP; an 86 PA-sample isn’t anything to get too excited about but you can’t help but like Gorman slashing .260/.360/.479 vs LHP, with an .840 OPS and 28% K%. St. Louis called up Juniel Querecuto in a corresponding roster move but Richie Palacios will likely end up with the biggest bump in playing time.

He might not have his jets of old but don’t let Ronald Acuña Jr.’s ridiculous season make you forget for a second what a fantasy force Mookie Betts has been. Stealing two more bases on Wednesday, Betts is now up to 39 HR, 120 R, 103 RBI, and 13 SB for the year, while slashing .312/.412/.607 over 628 PA. Betts is currently ranked 3rd on the Razzball Player Rater, at a value of $46.6! That’s so good – until you see Acuña Jr. at $70.8. Seriously, it’s ridiculous and I just wanted to point it out again.

Bumps and Bruises

Jazz Chisholm Jr. was removed in the fourth inning last night after appearing to injure his right leg while running out a groundout. Consider him day-to-day, which in Jazz-speak might mean a season-ender:

Ryan Mountcastle said he felt his shoulder “pop” in the first inning last night, ultimately being removed two frames later. Consider him day-to-day until his imaging comes back but any combination of “shoulder” and “pop” generally isn’t a good thing for hitters.

Christian Yelich remained on the bench yesterday, now having not played since his back flared up last Friday. Keep considering him day-to-day.

Speaking of banged-up Brewers outfielders, Mark Canha missed Wednesday’s game after being pulled on Tuesday with a sore left wrist. He received a cortisone shot but will likely miss at least a few more games. Canha has been low-key effective for fantasy since being traded to Milwaukee, slashing .303/.394/.459, with a .371 wOBA over 142 PA, with 4 HR, 18 R, 21 RBI, and 1 SB. Until he returns, expect Joey Wiemer to move back into regular playing time.

Jarred Kelenic missed Wednesday’s contest with a foot that was still sore from him fouling a ball off of it on Monday. But luckily, it’s not the same foot that he broke earlier in the summer and Kelenic was reportedly available off of the bench.

Brett Baty was removed prior to the seventh inning in last night’s game with groin tightness and will require an MRI. Consider him day-to-day. If this ends up being an extended absence, expect Mark Vientos to take over at third base and Dan Vogelbach to see increased time at DH. Why? Because what is Vogelbach may never die.

Comeback Trails

Sandy Alcantara went on the IL on September 6 with what was eventually revealed to be a sprained UCL but the Marlins won’t commit to whether he’ll be able to return this season. Alcantara played catch yesterday for the first time since going on the IL and claims to feel “100 percent good” but there’s no word on whether he’ll be good to go when eligible to come off the IL on Tuesday.

Shohei Ohtani missed his 10th game in a row with right oblique “discomfort”…Because it’s definitely not a strain, right? That “Jaws” music we warned about last week should probably be super loud right now.

In “Perpetually Evergreen” news, Byron Buxton apparently got a cortisone injection on Sunday for the ailing knee that caused him to be pulled from his rehab assignment early. The Twins remain hopeful he’ll return before th-….Bahaha-haha, almost made it. C’mon people – he’s done for the year.

Triston McKenzie (elbow) began a rehab assignment on Wednesday at Double-A, allowing 1 ER on one hit and one walk, facing 11 batters and striking out four. While McKenzie could return in the regular season, he might be impossible to trust for fantasy purposes given the likely governer on his workload.

Starling Marte (groin) went through his regular pregame routine on Wednesday but is still only aiming for a return by the last week of the regular season. IE Probably fantasy worthless so any stashers can give up the ghost.

Streaming Pitchers

Streaming Pitcher for Today: Reese Olson, DET vs CIN – Olson has continued to be a solid source of streaming lately after starting the second half by posting a 6.49 ERA over seven starts. But Olson has only allowed a total of 3 ER over his last three starts and will face a Reds offense that has an 87 wRC+ vs RHP (24th) in the second half, with a 27.1% K% (3rd).

High Risk for Today: Tanner Houck, BOS vs NYY – Houck has been really hard to count on for consistent success but he’ll face a Yankees team that he’s previously handled well twice this season, allowing a total 3 ER in 10 IP in back-to-back starts in June. But with 5-6 IP generally being his cap and the Yankees having won eight of their last 11, it’s not a start I’m rushing to run out.

Streaming Pitcher for Tomorrow: David Peterson, NYM vs CIN – Perhaps this should be placed in a “High Risk Tweener” bucket as Peterson does enjoy his 5+ ERA outings. But Cincinnati has been nearly as bad vs LHP in the second half as against RHP, posting an 85 wRC+ (23rd) and 24% K% (11th).