Last Friday Should’ve Been A National Holiday

We first had to suffer our yearly winter of the damned, with little news and less ball, waiting for the K(umite)FL to finally release the national consciousness, retreating to lick their wounds and find new bodies. And while we did get a small respite from the WBC coming around to whet the appetite early, we still had to suffer six more weeks of no MLB baseball after Rob Manfred again emerged on Valentine’s Day to see only a shadow of his baseball heart.

But at last, salvation was delivered via a 78 mph slider from Patrick Corbin and the subsequent whiff from future MVP, Ronald Acuña Jr. Three pitches later the joke was over and the world was set right again after Acuña hammered a weak sinker into right field for a 108 mph single. Corbin’s final punchline came just three innings after that, chased to the clubhouse to re-don the ski mask I imagine he wears whenever going to confirm the latest direct deposit.

And then, the floodgates blew! 15 games spread out over 12+ hours – straight into our veins. At least MLB got that right this season. All teams, all day, everywhere all at once. But just imagine how better it could have been. A national holiday for the once (but not present) national pastime, with no work but all play. Baseball and BBQ for one and all. Why BBQ? Because why not BBQ – it literally makes any event better. And since this is currently an idealistic fantasy, we’ll also say the MLB app will be working perfectly, without a buffering baseball in sight. And no ads on Twitter!

Ok, maybe we’ve gone too far. But still; most of the above can be in our grasp, if only we can all get on the same team and start pulling in the same direction of loving baseball unselfishly. Okay, and maybe just a tiny, little pinch of blackmail. But the good kind! I plomise.

Unfortunately, it won’t be easy. We can’t just go National Holiday Board of Governors and start making demands. They’d laugh our petition right out of the royal court! “Baseball? A national holiday? When do you think this is – 1989? Do you see any Gregg Jefferies Rated Rookies laying around? No, you don’t, and no you won’t. Ever get a national holiday for baseball, that is”.

Uh-oh. I feel the shift and know what you’re thinking – “Good god, This is another ‘how to fix baseball’ article, isn’t it‽ No-oooooooooooooooo!!!!!”.

No, of course, it’s not. Besides, didn’t they already “fix” baseball? I mean, why else would ghost runners still exist?

This isn’t a plan to fix anything – it’s the manifesto of a (re)takeover. And it certainly won’t be easy. In a world where there is a seemingly infinite amount of possible distractions, with portals small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, it’d be a foolish endeavor to hope new generations of baseball fans will simply gravitate to the game just because it now moves faster. Dangerously naive, even. I’m afraid we’re going to have to trick the people. And obviously, we’ll need an official multi-point plan for doing so.

Nicklaus’s Totally Official Five-Point Plan for Tricking Convincing America to Love Baseball Again

Step One: Move Opening Day to Friday

Ultimately, we’re trying to get Opening Day made into a national holiday (hereby referred to as ODH for brevity) and that’s just never going to happen on a Thursday. Won’t happen. The powers that be don’t want another March Madness situation where millions of people have made the first Thursday of the NCAAM tournament into a de-facto holiday via dubious sick days and one which naturally extends into the final day before the weekend.

Trying to make an ODH on Thursday would not only be an exercise in futility but also just doesn’t make sense organically. Most baseball series are three games and most weekend series start on Friday. Simple. There is no need to get all cute with the start/stop series shenanigans on Thursday/Friday in the name of spreading things out. The aforementioned basketball tournament proves every year that people don’t mind having a bunch of games on at the same time for multiple days. In fact, they love it. So why don’t we steal the idea completely*, instead of just half-heartedly?

*Get used to hearing it

With Opening Day on Friday, even without a holiday, the incentivization for using a sick day to enjoy the festivities will naturally increase. Or, rather, the barriers to doing so will decrease. Remember, for you and I, taking off work on a Thursday to watch baseball all day might seem like a perfectly reasonable thing to do but we’re not trying to just preach to the choir here – we want converts from the general assembly and, eventually, even those from outside the tent. And skipping a Friday for a three-day weekend is a much easier sell than “skip Thursday, come back Friday (hungover)”.

Step Two: Make It a Party

This one’s easy. Between ESPN, the MLB network, and all the other major platforms, it’s easy to turn literally any event into a party, no matter how obviously contrived. Sports? Party. Oscars? Party. Wrestlemania? Party. Who can eat the most hot dogs? Party. Tiny people riding on top of giant horses while hitting them with a whip and being cheered on by people purposely wearing something called a seersucker? Party. Controlling the tv volume while also listening to the stereo? Obviously – because we like to party.

If we’ll party for Thanksgiving Eve, we can make the people party for baseball as long as all the cable and marketing machines are telling them to. We have a very recent example of how small-sample baseball can up the excitement in fandoms and other sports have shown us what fans will do to celebrate merely the start of the season. The NFL and college football do this right with their opening games, with the media and fans alike treating it more like a release valve for the offseason pressure of going without. Baseball’s never going to be football in terms of overage fervor but surely it can go nuts for one day, right?

Step Three: Everybody Gets to Watch Everything

Every game should be available to watch for free, whether online, on network, or on app. I’ve never understood* why this isn’t already the case. And no, there shouldn’t (ever!) be blackouts. It should be really, really easy to watch your local team and the fact that it isn’t, remains an inexplicable and self-imposed millstone around the neck of the league. Would it help to have some sort of incontrovertible evidence of Rob Manred-malfeasance that we could use to leverage him into doing what we wanted? Well, I’m not saying it wouldn’t not help. If you have any way to not help with this problem, make sure to not send an email to nicklaus@nowaythiswouldholdupinacourtoflaw.org.

*I totally understand and it rhymes with “why would teams ever give up even a cent of revenue in the name of growing their game and audience”

This one’s harder than it might seem on the surface, though, because first, we’re gonna first need the MLB app to actually work. And for the whole day. A surely herculean task and me no know computers. But I’m not generally opposed to them conscripting Tom Tango and his merry band of engineers to make sure the job gets done.

Interlude: I Bet You’re Starting to Wonder If I’ll Even Mention Fantasy

I’m gettin’ to it! But let’s do a quick stock check. By now, Opening Day is on Friday, the networks are treating it like a party and the people’s party genes are responding. Maybe the work skipping hasn’t moved out past casual fans but it’s becoming a virtual prerequisite for anyone claiming “real” baseball fandom. But even if you absolutely can’t take off, this party doesn’t stop when the sun goes down and west coast games don’t start until 10 pm ET. Even with work, there’s still room for everyone to get in on some fun, and if the coverage keeps things going, so will the people.

Making things a celebration isn’t too onerous but the goal needs to be more than the surface-level interest that comes with an event that is only interesting because it’s a path to getting turnt and burnt* with a bunch of other people. There are a lot of casual “experts” hot dog eating the day of the event but I doubt many are still around the next day when Joey Chesnut’s insides are on the outside.

*I asked Siri, “what’s something young people say to describe getting wasted”

In order to encourage the type of true engagement that will lead to more organic interest in baseball, the people need steaks. But also stakes. Because even more than red meat, we Americans love to gamble. And if we’re already stealing from football and college basketball, why wouldn’t we also steal some of their biggest interest drivers? Interlude over.

Step Four: Everyone. Love. Fantasy.

Ha-ha! Okay, not just fantasy. More of a big games umbrella that includes anything from prop bets to parlays, daily fantasy to big ESPN-style pick-em game shenanigans. But that acronym wouldn’t have been nearly as snappy as E.L.F., so we’ll stick with calling everything fantasy.

The structure and seeming randomness of baseball don’t lend itself to stealing directly from the NFL or the Madness; even though it’s hard to do consistently, it’s easy for joe-casual to think he knows whether one team can cover a 3-point spread, and March is centered around a bracket so simple that animals in zoos around the country will have entries every year. You’re telling me we can’t come up with some baseball carnival games for casual fans to play one day of the year? **whispering** and just between you and me…we both know baseball fans are the smartest – surely we can come up with something better than Super Bowl squares, right?

Let’s rat-a-tat a quick list of gambling options for Opening Day, moving from the obvious to the more arcane:

1. Daily fantasy – super hard to be good over the long haul but again, we’re talking about just one day. And while it’ll just be a one-time for most, addiction statistics tell us that a certain number will get hooked and thereby be required to feed it by watching more baseball. And thus the game grows! What was that bit about addiction? Never you mind!
2. Prop bets – super duper hard but also inversely easier to understand. For those that don’t want the hassle of picking a whole DFS lineup, may I present “Pick someone to get a hit” and “will so-and-so strike out”? It might be the roulette of baseball gambling but it also approaches the “my dog could technically make picks for one day” level of simplicity. Remember, we’re only looking for some extra rooting interests that trick people into paying more attention, and home run props for the hometown team certainly fit the bill.
3. Baseball-centered “Beat the Streak” type of games on ESPN or other baseball affiliates – This one’s super easy and doesn’t even come with any “might open up the doors to addiction” oopsies from above. There are a million things to bet on in baseball – there is a one-day game to be had here and one that can be rewarded with a cornucopia of sponsored cash and prizes.
4. Weird Baseball Bingo – The same vein as #3 but everyone gets a bingo card filled with random baseball events – c’mon, like you don’t want to hear John Sterling announce “and with that 7-4-3 double play, it looks like all I need for a bingo is for a pitcher to leave the game after sneezing too hard. Someone go put some pepper under Jakob Junis’s nose”. You’re a liar if you say you don’t.

Step Five: The Ball Pit

All our ducks are in a row and we’ve given the people plenty of reasons to at least give a damn for one day of the year – who cares if it’s just as an excuse to take off work and hang out with your friends. We just want butts in seats and eyeballs on games. But we need something extra; just one more thing to take this Opening Day party from lame to fame*. A little extra spice and a dash more sizzle, something provocative, and to get the people moving. No, I’m not (just) talking about “Lady Humps” by the Blackeyed Peas – I’m talking about the ball pit.

*again, thank you Siri

If you want my top-five things stolen in this article, lining the outfield fence with a ball pit has got to be #1 (fan-fare!). Oh boo-hoo, baseball purists; I’m sorry we no longer wear suits to games and root for guys named Stump Weidman and Bill “Ol’ Slappy” McWhistlestop. Now we have pitch clocks, bases the size of spare tires, and a blight upon the game named Ghost Runner. Get over it; the event horizon has been crossed. So why not add a ball pit?

It’s not that hard. Just build a 4-foot(ish) tall fence about 10 feet inside the real fence. And then fill it with team-colored balls. Easy-peasy. Everything caught in the pit is an out but it must be in your glove before going under the surface; must emerge and show catch within three seconds. That’s enough time to gather yourself and if you find a dropped ball in that time span, you deserve the out anyway.

Without further ado – the top Five reasons a ball pit would make baseball better!

Number Five – Baseball players jumping into ball pits while trying to catch a baseball!

Just because it’s obvious doesn’t make it less true. We’d see some of the most athletic people on earth leap into a ball pit in order to try and catch a baseball. That’s not perfect by itself! Re-ally??? Are you sure? Maybe you’ve just never imagined Jazz Chisholm launching himself into a sea of teal and orange balls in order to try and keep Miami just 12 games out of the final wild card.

Number Four – Will He/Won’t He?

Just think of how nervous we’ll all be to see what kind of shape Byron Buxton emerges in after making his first leap. It’ll be nerve-wracking!

Number Three – Stadium Dimension Corrections!

All the new rules tend to tilt towards more offense and adding a ball pit requirement would further that goal by nerfing some of baseball’s more cavernous stadiums. Black hole power alleys in Detroit? See ya. Home-run sucking depth in Kansas City? Buh-bye. Dimensions in Boston that seemed to have been drawn by a drunk toddler? Wicked gone. That’s right, adding a ball pit would actually make Fenway Park a more legitimate and professional stadium. Apples, hmm?

Number Two – Pit Customization!

Make the square footage standard and put a maximum on fence heights but leave everything else up to the team. You could have a tall fence to discourage jumping but maybe you want a shorter one to take advantage of more athletic players. Maybe even add some springboard zones. It can all be on the table. And obviously, teams are picking what the balls look like but we don’t have to stop at the team colors. The NFL tried to end racism by stenciling it in the endzone, is baseball too stuck up to try and end it with thousands of plastic balls? Camo balls, pink balls; The possibilities for corporate synergy are endless.

The Number One Reason Adding a Ball Pit Would Make Baseball Way Better…….

Ball pits make everything better! Every. Thing. You name something that might seem awful, and I promise it can be made better with a ball pit, whether a bee hive, volcano, or just your Aunt Judy’s romper room. They’re just more fun.

Step Final: Go Get That Holiday

More excitement, more reasons to watch, more gambling, and more BBQ. And a ball pit‽‽‽ Rinse and repeat for a few seasons and we can put an unrelenting amount of pressure on the powers-to-be to give us the holiday we deserve. C’mon, we’re baseball! We’ve been around for like a million years! Don’t we deserve a break? Sure, we’ve had our problems and let football completely usurp us long ago, seemingly spending a few decades happy to be passed down into the regional niche where hockey survives. But we’re ready for change and keeping an open mind – we promise! You’ve seen the ghost runner, right?

If that’s not deserving of a new national holiday, I’m not sure what would be. But if we don’t keep the pressure on converting new fans and interest, it won’t just be hockey we’ll be fighting for scraps with, and in 10 years we’ll be talking about what can be done to steal away fans from MLS.

Is losing to soccer something we’ll ever be okay with? Because if not, we’re going to need an O.D.H. and ASAP.