The Second Annual Secondies!

Attention! Attention! All seat fillers need to get up and please move outside to the concourse. Immediately. We’ve made it through the Catchies and the Firsties but we’re about to get going again and we just can’t have any of you normies accidentally getting on camera and making everyone at home feel sad.

Thank you for your service and please collect your payment from the front – which may or may not be a swag bag filled with all of the Kylie Jenner lip glosses that were banned by the FDA because the test animals started sprouting extra noses she really wanted to donate for all of her loyal fans.

It’s the Secondies!

And the Secondie for “Trying to Give Tout Nation a 100% Miss Rate on Preseason Rankings” goes to…Mookie Betts!

In addition to turning in a vintage fantasy performance on his way to being the #1 2B, Betts didn’t just pick up second-base eligibility for the year, he’s keeping it for 2024, finishing with 65 games at the keystone after just squeaking in with some suspect Yahoo eligibility (7 games) there in 2022.

And damn, does the position need an injection of fantasy goodness. We might have more random 2B-eligibilities than ever but that doesn’t mean the talent has been simpatico, with 2024 shaping up to include a whole mess of dicey rolls. But with a premium player like Betts carrying 2B eligibility again (along with OF, of course), his flexibility can make your draft life (and decisions) a whole lot easier.

And the “Byron Buxton Memorial” Secondie for “He’s Just One of Those Tantalizing Dudes That’ll Always Struggle to Reach 500 PA, Isn’t He? goes to…Jazz Chisholm Jr.!

Obviously, I wanted to believe – and ’twas but a fool. To the archives (that have apparently been recently graded by one of our TA’s):

Damn it, Stephen;  I don’t know why you have to be so mean.

Listen, I want Jazz to be a thing. And if he somehow manages to pull a 600-PA rabbit out of his hat one of these years, he will be. For example, if we tap him with our magic proration wand and turn his 383 PA from 2023 into 600 PA, Chisholm would’ve been pulled up to 30 HR – 78 R – 80 RBI – 34 SB – .250 AVG. Also known as a top-20 hitter.

But that’s still just a unicorn and I don’t like hunting them, no matter how succulent their ribs can be when smoked with a nice dry rub. At least not at the top-50 price Jazz is likely to command. Have we not learned any lessons from the “Tales 0f Buxton”? Can we not evolve???

You need to take the injury risk you’re planning to bake into whatever you’re willing to pay and double it. Now double it again. Because the D in Jazz stands for doubtful.

And the Secondie for “I Dare You to Drink Every Time Someone Prorates Christoper Morel’s 2023 Numbers – Actually, That’s a Terrible Idea” goes to…Christopher Morel!

2023: 429 PA – 26 HR – 62 R – 70 RBI – 6 SB – .249 AVG (#101 overall hitter)

Hypothetical 600 PA: 36 HR – 87 R – 98 RBI – 8 SB – .247 AVG (#40 overall hitter)

Haha – drink.

Let’s put a pin (because it worked so well with Jazz) in Morel’s talent/production going forward and just focus on the playing time.

Morel, ummm, mostly struggles on defense, deficiencies that again left him without a real position in 2023, getting most his time at second base and center field but seeing time everywhere but first base and catcher.

However, in 2024, Jeimer Candelario won’t be around at third base, the position that Morel played the most over his minor league career, and the only other likely competition (outside of a signing) is that paragon of health, Nick Madrigal. DH is, of course, always an option but that could quickly change depending on how free agency shakes out, and I’d also feel a lot more secure in projecting steady playing time if it was at an actual fielding position.

For their part, Cubs president Jed Hoyer is aware of the need to find him a regular position given the offense Morel can provide and seems to think it can be done:

“We’re going to keep having conversations about exactly what to have him focus on this winter,” Cubs president of baseball operations Hoyer said in his end-of-season presser. “He’s never really been able to play every single day at one spot. He’s such a good athlete. He’s got a great arm, he’s got good hands, I think it’s both on him but also on us to help him improve as a defender and get to one place.”

“I think so much of our offense was built around getting on base and singles. We were middle of the pack in terms of home runs but certainly we were not the top, we had a number of guys who hit 20, Hoyer said. “We didn’t have many guys like him that were a threat all the time. That’s real and you want that in the lineup.”

If we start seeing some offseason tea leaves of the Cubs making a concerted effort to get him track for a starting fielder job, we should probably take advantage of any early draft price discrepancies. If Morel is trending that way as we get closer to spring, that draft price is going to go boom.

And the Secondie for “Kolten Wong Drafted Was Drafted Ahead of Ha-Seong Kim 김하성 (#7 2B) and Isaac Paredes (#13)” But Finished As the Literal Least Valuable Second Baseman” goes to…Kolten Wong!

If you’re ever needing the combination for unlocking an LVP, just try .183/.214/.218. But to be fair, terrible slash line aside, Wong was hurt the most by his lack of playing time. I mean, that slash was going to be terrible no matter what but if we were to simply prorate his numbers over 250 PA to 750 PA, Wong’s line would’ve also come with 12 HR, 75 R, 81 RBI, 12 SB. And those numbers are way bigger!

And the Secondie for “No, Seriously – We Can Finally Bury the “Rake” Cronenworth Moniker, Right?” goes to…Jake Cronenworth!

I thought my Cronenhate (#23 1B, #20 2B) was strong enough last season but clearly, we didn’t go far enough, with the false Rake finishing as a well-below replacement player and outside of the top-50 at the position in 2023

To the archives!

His only saving grace in my eyes was that he could at least compile his way to bench-esqe fantasy numbers on the wings of 600+ PA but the reality of 522 PA and a lack of standout tools, led him exactly where he ended up. And even if we imagine a world where he didn’t break his wrist and miss the last month of the season, Cronenworth at 625ish PA still would’ve been a below-replacement player in 2023. Which is fine! I mean, don’t forget that fantasy benches need players too. Just don’t go believing he’s anything else.

But for the love of Gob, I decree that from this point forward, “Rake” can (and will!) only be used in an ironic fashion. Gavel sound.

And the Secondie for “The Continued Lack of “Nico Hoerner as a 2 Live Crew* Song” Headline Puns Is Severely Disappointing” goes to…Nico Hoerner!

Just close your eyes and feel that beat:

Oh, Nee-co Hoerner, oh-oh Nee-co Hoerner
Oh, Nee-co Hoerner, oh-oh Nee-co Hoerner

Ear-wig tag – you’re it!

My only real disappointment with Hoerner was that I drafted a smattering of teams that didn’t include him – his price was just so damn nice, and that was without assuming the 40+ SB he ended up

Hoerner’s price will rise dramatically for next season (67 ADP, min: 51, max: 99) but that probably won’t preclude me from shooting for a similar Roster%, given not only his likely production but that of his peers.

We gave a positional bear warning last year and I’m not sure the future will be much brighter in 2024. In the first few drafts of 2024 (n=4), questions abound for the first 10 players taken:

The questions surrounding the above (and Jazz’s ligaments) might be poppin’ but it’s not like there won’t be value to be found later. There always is. But in terms of production relative to price, I think my almost fellow Nick(o) will wind up feeling like a cuddly blanket for those not wanting to open their draft wallet for one of the tip-top guys.

*Remind me someday and I’ll tell you the harrowing tale of a precocious, 20-year-old Nicklaus somehow ending up at their hotel afterparty whilst on South Padre spring break. Actually, nvm – let’s keep that baby buried.