Roto Riteup: July 4, 2013

On this very special of days, the Roto Riteup is going to celebrate in its own special little way. Instead of the usual barrage of shit-hot news and analysis, we’re going gimmicky! Today, the Roto Riteup will touch on fantasy baseball topics relating to the theme of “independence.” You may find some of them newsy, entertaining, or (God forbid) both.

Giancarlo Stanton and Jeffrey Loria
Magic Mike has a huge stick and he’s waving it around as he sees fit, but DJ Jerky Jeff is having a hard time embracing the realities of being a winning big-league team. Stanton deserves a better owner, a better fanbase, and a more friendly ballpark.

Colby Lewis, Brandon Beachy, Cory Luebke, and arm injuries
I wish the first three men listed above could gain independence from the cruel fate that is pitcher arm injuries. Both Beachy and Lewis were supposed to be back within about a week of now, but now both have suffered setbacks and are working their way towards a return. Luebke, on the other arm (see what I did there, because he’s left-handed and the other two are righties!), has never really gotten his rehab off the ground floor. In Luebke’s case, I’m 99% sure he won’t be back until 2014.

Dustin Ackley and general ineptitude
If only Mr. Ackley could escape the clutches of mankind’s old friend, General Ineptitude. The General served in many a war, and when he targets your team, you best batten down the hatches and pray for mercy. Ackley was good just a couple of years ago. His swing sweet, his eye keen, and his beard dashing. Now, he’s a shell of his former shell. Be better, Dustin. Please.

Matt Harvey and mortality
Can Hunky Matt Harvey please stay with us forever? I would like that very much. Same goes for Yasiel Puig, Mike Trout, Shelby Miller, and Felix Hernandez. Please never leave us.

Archie Bradley and youth
I’m super duper ready for Bradley to be ready for his big league debut. The big Diamondbacks right-hander is downright nasty and has continued to dominate at AA despite being just 20 years old.

Eric Wedge and the Mariners
I wish the Mariners would gain independence from the tyrant known as Eric Wedge. While he’s likely to be fired sometime over the next four months, the sooner I don’t have to see that stupid mustache on that stupid face of his, the better.

Zach Sanders and the heat
It’s been unforgivably hot in the Seattle area recently, and my quasi-daywalker ass can’t handle it. I’m not even a full Daywalking Ginger, so it’s not like I have a great excuse other than being a massive pansy. At least I don’t like ponies, right?