Ranking Fantasy Baseball Players By What Thanksgiving Food They Are

As we sit down to eat our Thanksgiving meals tomorrow and discuss “what we are thankful for,” we often look around the table and see a lot of different dishes and personalities, some good and some not, that grace our table. This is no different than when we sit down at the draft table. In honor of this, I have put together a definitive ranking of each Thanksgiving dish and what kind of fantasy baseball player they would be. 

1. Turkey- Turkey is the commissioner of your league. He is a vital part of the league and while he rarely wins the league, without him it wouldn’t be happening. He brings us all together and for that we are thankful.

2. Stuffing- Stuffing is the person that talks a big game at the draft table and brags about how they are going to crush everyone because of how they out drafted everyone. They also will make no moves after the first month of the season, finishing second to last in the league. 

3. Gravy- Gravy is the person that compliments every pick at the draft table. They are everyone’s best friend and their favorite phrase is “awwww, that was who I was going to take!” Gravy is the first person everyone invites when they start a new league because they make everyone’s time better at the draft table. 

4. Mac and Cheese- Mac and cheese is the person that can’t say no to any league and they are a pretty great player. They are obsessive about the game and spend hours preparing and in-season and it usually pays off. Most people don’t understand how or why you play in so many leagues, but you love it and you rack up championships every year. 

5. Cornbread- Cornbread is the person in your league that is new and always talks about better ways of playing the game. They want to change categories, rules, and strategies. That being said, they are really good at the game. They play the game differently than you, but they always seem to be at the top of the standings. They know all the deep sleepers and often say a name that half the league doesn’t even know. Cornbread is a sleeper in the league. 

6. Pumpkin Pie- Pumpkin Pie is the person that hosts the draft. No one really wants to hang out with them outside of the draft, but they have the biggest living room so it makes sense that they host. They aren’t a bad person by any stretch, but no one is going out of their way to see them after draft day. 

7. Apple Pie- Apple Pie is a person that drafts off of a magazine. They have no original thoughts of their own and win randomly when the competition around them isn’t that good or they get lucky. They think they have it all figured out because someone else figured it out for them. 

8. Bread Rolls- Bread Rolls is the person that drafts as many players from their favorite team. They don’t care that there are other options, if they see one of their guys out there, they will reach for them. When their team is good, they do ok, but most years they suck, but that’s ok because they got their guys!

9. Pecan Pie- Pecan Pie is the person that won their fantasy football league multiple times and thinks that means they will win this league because of it. Doesn’t matter that they have never played fantasy baseball, don’t really like baseball, and have no idea how to play the game. Pecan pie is really good in different circumstances, but they don’t really belong here. 

10. Mashed Potatoes- Mashed Potatoes is the old person in the league. They are still pretty good at the game, but talk about how the game isn’t as good as it used to be. Every draft they reminisce about how they used to play 4×4 and they have been playing fantasy longer than some of your league mates have been alive. 

11. Yams/Sweet Potatoes- First of all, Yams and Sweet Potatoes are the same thing. I will die on this hill. That being said, they are a person in the league that offers everyone awful trades. You know the minute the draft is over, this person will send you 20 trade offers asking for your first round pick for their 18th, 19th, and 22nd rounder. You often add unnecessary commentary (like marshmallows) to try and make the deal go down easier, but it rarely works. Few people like this person, yet they get invited back every year for some reason. 

12. Green Bean Casserole- Green Bean Casserole is perennially at the bottom of the standings. It doesn’t matter how much they try, they always lose. It is usually because they add something they shouldn’t have like an injured player or prospect that never gets the call. Maybe they overthink everything. They say they will win one year, but it just never seems to happen.  

13. Cranberry Sauce- Cranberry Sauce is the person that drafts all the injured players. They aren’t going to win the league because their team will be destroyed after the first month of the season, but they continue to load up on all the guys coming back from injuries because of the upside. They can’t see the downside which is massive. 

14. Brussel Sprouts- Brussel Sprouts is someone’s sibling/cousin/mailman that was the last person invited to the league because you needed one more to fill it out. They usually get drunk and do something stupid like draft someone that is out for the season. They are also the person that you try to take advantage of via trades and becomes the most divisive person in the league. 


What Thanksgiving meal item/fantasy player are you and did I miss anything?

Justin is the co-host on The Sleeper and The Bust Podcast and writes for Rotographs covering the Roto Riteup as well as other periodic articles. In addition to his work at Rotographs, Justin is the lead fantasy writer/analyst and co-owner for FriendswithFantasyBenefits.com, and the owner of The Great Fantasy Baseball Invitational. He is also a certified addiction treatment counselor. Follow Justin on Twitter @JustinMasonFWFB.

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Peter Vande Hey
6 days ago

I used to be cornbread, but now I’ve aged and become the turkey, taking over for my dad who is mashed potatoes