2015 Second Base Tier Rankings: June

Check out last month’s rankings here.

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No more bland, rote tiers from this guy! Thanks to the urging of commenter “Urban Shocker,” my eyes are now open to the fun that can be had with ridiculously labeled tiers. You see, I used to just write these monthly second-base columns with boring old numbered tiers. That is, until Urban Shocker convinced me in the comments section of my April rankings to name my tiers from then on.

To be perfectly honest, the task of doing these monthly rankings can get rather stale — for both me and you — as the season wears on. Eventually, it gets to the point where the rankings barely change, because 30-day samples don’t substantially change the way I/we think about a certain player.

Furthermore, there’s only so many ways I can say “Jose Altuve had a good month again,” or “Dee Gordon steals lots of bases,” or “Holy crap, Dan Uggla is so incredibly terrible!” (Actually, never mind on that last one. I will never get sick of making jokes about Uggla, who got paid $13 million last year to post a weighted offense 72% below league-average.)

So here we are. Same rankings, now with more fun! Last month, I thoroughly enjoyed myself, working with the theme of “subjective quality of cities I’ve visited.” For June, we’re loading up the fun bus again! This time, my tiers are paired off with the films of the incomparable Kurt Russell.

This was a more difficult task than you might think, simply because Russell has made so many timeless classics, infusing them with unforgettable characters. His pairing with director John Carpenter produced three of my favorite films, and choosing between those three is like picking a favorite child — except there’s no obvious black sheep like there is in most actual human families. (On the flip side, he’s also made loads of horrible movies, so selecting the lower-tier comps was no easy task either.)

For the tiebreaker, I decided to go with the film that Russell himself says is his personal favorite…

TIER ONE – “ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK”
Jose Altuve

Despite his diminutive stature, I would absolutely trust Altuve to rescue the President from certain doom on a maximum-security prison island. After all, what reason do we have to doubt him? He can do pretty much everything fantasy owners ask of him.

Altuve currently ranks between 2nd and 11th among second basemen in each of the five standard categories. Why should we think that he couldn’t outduel The Duke of New York on an explosives-rigged bridge, saving the President — and possibly the world — in the process?

“Escape from New York” might be my most-watched movie ever, for reasons including (but not limited to):

• Russell’s portrayal of Snake Plissken, the ultimate uber-masculine antihero.
• The incredible action sequences, impeccably directed by Carpenter.
• “Snake Plissken, in my cab!”
• Isaac Hayes driving around in a Cadillac with chandeliers on the hood.
• The intricate post-apocalyptic set design.
• The running “I heard you were dead, Snake…” joke.
• Snake’s insane battle to the death against legendary pro wrestler Ox Baker.

If the guys in the second tier keep up their high-level performance, Altuve will no longer have a tier all his own next month. For now, he’s still alone atop the second-base heap.

TIER TWO – “THE THING”/“BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA”
Dee Gordon
Brian Dozier
Anthony Rendon (+)
Jason Kipnis
Kolten Wong

For this tier, I combined the other two great Russell/Carpenter collaborations. I had several reasons for this, but the main one was that I really don’t feel like Marcus Semien deserves to be comped to either of these classic films.

“The Thing” is right up there with the likes of “The Shining” on the short list of greatest horror films ever made. It is a rich study in paranoia, set against the harsh backdrop of Antarctica. It’s the kind of film that makes you ponder the nature of human trust, while also scaring the crap out of you. As a massive horror fan, “The Thing” has been a vital part of my film library since I first bought it on VHS (and then on DVD, and then on BluRay…).

At the same time, “Big Trouble in Little China” is a delightfully irreverent take on classic kung-fu films, and it also produced Russell’s best non-Snake character, Jack Burton. Subjectively, “Big Trouble” is one of my favorite films, but objectively, “The Thing” is certainly a better movie. I can’t place one of these above the other. Together they shall be.

In “Big Trouble,” Russell dials the faux-machismo up to 11, which was the perfect choice for a character who consistently bungles even the most simple of missions. I’ve seen this film so many times that my favorite moments are probably parts that most viewers don’t even remember. (I always get my biggest laugh when Jack sneaks into the temple of the nefarious Lo Pan by casually strolling in, carrying a rotary phone and saying, “Where’s the main breaker box? This way? Great.”) Russell has so many fantastic one-liners in “Big Trouble” that it takes nearly four minutes to watch them all consecutively.

So now that we’ve established that “The Thing” and “Big Trouble in Little China” are wholly worthy films to stand next to the likes of Dee Gordon and Brian Dozier, let’s talk about a couple big moves in this month’s rankings.

After a terrible month of April (.218/.263/.287) that looked far more like his awful 2014 than his excellent 2013, Jason Kipnis tore the ball apart in May. He’s now coming off a .429/.511/.706 month, with four homers and three steals (although he was also caught four times).

Kipnis is red hot right now, but I’m still sort of hedging my bets when it comes to predicting a full-on return to his 2013 production, especially when he was so completely hapless in April. It’s been a season of extremes so far for the 28-year-old. Here’s hoping he can keep swinging a hot bat.

Kolten Wong also jumped up the rankings this month. The 24-year-old has followed up his streaky 2014 with a tremendous first two months in 2015, hitting a robust .310/.365/.473 and showing no signs of slowing down. As I expected, his plate discipline has improved to where he’s mirroring his numbers from the minors. He deserves to be in the top-five fantasy 2B conversation.

TIER THREE – “MIRACLE”
Ian Kinsler
Mookie Betts
Robinson Cano
Devon Travis (+)
Marcus Semien
Ben Zobrist

“Miracle” is nothing more than your standard uplifting Disney sports movie, but it is extremely well-executed. The Miracle on Ice is one of the all-time great sports stories, and “Miracle” tells that story with razor-sharp precision. Russell is fabulous as head coach Herb Brooks, and as someone who grew up in Fargo, North Dakota, I can tell you that Russell’s Minnesota accent in “Miracle” is the best one I’ve ever heard in a movie.

“Miracle” certainly isn’t an all-time great film, but it does a lot of the little things right, and the on-ice action is consistently thrilling. It is a perfectly satisfying viewing experience. Sure, it’s no “Escape from New York,” but it’s still plenty good on its own merits. Similarly, Ben Zobrist will never be Jose Altuve, but he’s really good at being Ben Zobrist.

Both Ian Kinsler and Robinson Cano dropped down to tier three this month, for the exact same reason: They’re both experiencing massive power droughts (at least Cano homered on Saturday). Kinsler is still contributing in other ways, but Cano really isn’t, which is why I wrote about him last week.

TIER FOUR – “BREAKDOWN”
Dustin Pedroia
Addison Russell
Jimmy Paredes
Howie Kendrick
Brandon Phillips
Logan Forsythe

I sighed deeply just now, at the prospect of writing about this tier. “Breakdown” could have been a great movie, but it had enough warts to fall well short. The build-up is quite suspenseful, especially in the sequences where a wild-eyed Russell frantically searches for his wife just after she disappears.

The problem with “Breakdown” is that the “why?” behind the wife’s disappearance is underwhelming at best, and Russell himself delivers an uncharacteristically uneven performance. Furthermore, it’s hard to shake the feeling that you’re watching a lesser version of the 1988 Dutch film “Spoorloos (The Vanishing).”

“Spoorloos” is easily my favorite suspense film, with perhaps the most terrifying climax ever filmed. I’m getting chills just thinking about it, and I haven’t watched that movie in several years. “Breakdown” is so similar in concept that comparisons are inevitable, and those comparisons will never favor “Breakdown.” (Don’t even get me started on the American remake of “Spoorloos,” because I refuse to acknowledge its existence, even if it did star Jeff Bridges.)

Speaking of Russells, Addison Russell clearly has the upside to transcend beyond “Breakdown” into “Spoorloos” territory, but his 35.6% strikeout rate is the reddest of flags. His .373 BABIP and .252 AVG are also both at least a very dark pink. The future is certainly very bright, but the present is a bit iffy for the 21-year-old.

Finally, I wrote a bit about Jimmy Paredes (and his teammate, Steve Pearce) about a month ago. Since then, Paredes has made enough starts at second to be eligible in the majority of leagues, so this marks his debut on this list.

TIER FIVE – “BACKDRAFT”
DJ LeMahieu
Neil Walker
Daniel Murphy
Martin Prado
Brett Lawrie
Chase Utley

Oh yeah, the movie about the fires! “Backdraft” is aesthetically fantastic, as director Ron Howard fills his frames with mesmerizing flames. Unfortunately, “Backdraft” also has all of the bad Ron Howard traits — the characters are caricatures and the film’s about as deep as a puddle.

“Backdraft” is arguably more melodramatic than “The Notebook,” and it also contains every possible cliche that exists within the action/drama subgenre. Despite all that, it’s the kind of movie that’s worth watching every couple years in a “just got home from the bar but not yet tired” situation.

Don’t get me wrong, “Backdraft” is a crap movie in almost every way, but the action scenes are so good that they almost make up for the rest. In that way, it’s the DJ LeMahieu of movies. “Backdraft” is flashy on the surface, as is LeMahieu’s .335/.385/.441 slash. However, beneath those impressive facades are a limp TV-movie script and a bloated .389 BABIP, respectively.

When it’s all said and done, you put “Backdraft” back on the shelf, with the knowledge that it wasn’t necessarily a total waste of time, but you easily could have done better. Now you know how it feels to own Martin Prado.

TIER SIX – “ESCAPE FROM L.A.”
Joe Panik
Aaron Hill
Cory Spangenberg
Steve Pearce
Yangervis Solarte
Luis Valbuena
Jace Peterson

Look, I know what Carpenter and Russell were trying for when they made “Escape from L.A.” Part of me even appreciates the effort to simultaneously satirize ridiculously overstuffed action movies, while also actually making their own ridiculously overstuffed action movie. The problem is that it’s just not very good, especially when compared to its predecessor.

“Escape from L.A.” is certainly still enjoyable at times. There are some pretty cool sequences that temporarily take your mind off the fact that you’re watching a bad movie, much like when Luis Valbuena hits a homer to distract you from his .188 AVG.

Before we move on, I’m expecting at least a little backlash from my ranking of Joe Panik. He’s the No. 5 2B of the last month — and No. 12 on the year — but the surprising power he’s shown so far is a total mirage, and he’s not fast enough to steal bases. I still don’t view him as anything more than a borderline top-20 option rest-of-season.

Also, I wrote about Cory Spangenberg a couple of weeks ago. As luck would have it, he’s gone 7-for-38 since then, with near-zero contributions to counting stats. However, it’s a very small sample, and I still believe in Spangenberg as a decent deep-league MI option.

TIER SEVEN – “3000 MILES TO GRACELAND”
Gordon Beckham
Danny Espinosa
Johnny Giavotella
Asdrubal Cabrera
Jonathan Schoop (+)
Jedd Gyorko
Eric Sogard
Chris Owings
Ryan Goins
Omar Infante
Stephen Drew

The 2001 actioner “3000 Miles to Graceland” is one of those films that should be totally awesome, but instead is 125 minutes of non-stop failure. The cast — anchored by Russell and Kevin Costner — is all-star caliber. The core concept of a bunch of Elvis impersonators robbing a casino during an Elvis convention is fun. The preview was good enough to instill a sort of naive optimism regarding the film’s potential.

However, “3000 Miles to Graceland” was helmed by a music-video director named Demian Lichtenstein. You’ve never heard of him, and there’s a reason for that. Lichtenstein — who also wrote the film’s amateur-hour screenplay — tries very, very hard to be Quentin Tarantino, which is never a good idea unless your name is actually Quentin Tarantino.

Lichtenstein’s slop-fest of a film is chock-full of quick cuts and crazy camera angles, which turns the action scenes into unintelligible messes of flying bullets and splattering blood. The climax is one of the most patently absurd sequences ever committed to celluloid. If you have about seven minutes to spare, I implore you to give the final sequence a watch, while I do some scene analysis. (It’s an action scene from an R-rated movie, so it’s obviously a bit NSFW.)

Okay, so we’ve got some guys doing “Walker, Texas Ranger” cosplay. They’re shooting a whole bunch of ammo in the general vicinity of Costner, who has just blasted Russell with a shotgun that made him fly backwards the length of a football field. (Russell survives with barely a scratch, by the way.) Then, speaking of football fields, eight-time Pro Bowl defensive end Howie Long shows up, just in time to take about 15 bullets for Costner.

Lichtenstein stops the shootout for long enough to give Long a Deeply Emotional Death Sequence. Long sputters out a few dying words while the guitar player from the “Lethal Weapon” soundtrack does his thing in the background. This moment is especially ridiculous because I didn’t even remember Howie Long being in this movie, not to mention in a capacity that warrants a Deeply Emotional Death Sequence.

“This is pretty absurd,” you’re already thinking to yourself, when suddenly here comes Ice-T, suspended upside down from the ceiling. He glides down the center of the room, spinning around and mowing people down with Uzis. In reality, this is maybe the absolute dumbest way possible to enter a large-scale gunfight.

He’s hanging from his feet, spinning in circles so that he can’t aim at anything. Furthermore, he’s wide out in the open where seemingly anyone could take him out. Indeed, Ice-T’s foolproof plan is shattered after just 12 seconds, when he’s gunned down with hilarious ease by the airport mechanic from the TV show “Wings.”

All the while, there’s this little kid running around doing god knows what. Thankfully, Courteney Cox shows up to rescue him, just in time for the “Walker, Texas Ranger” cosplay guys to riddle Costner with bullets. With as insanely over-the-top as this sequence is, Lichtenstein somehow found a way to make it terribly boring.

That’s the problem with “3000 Miles to Graceland.” It’s not even in “so bad it’s good” territory, it just absolutely stinks up the joint in every way possible. Much like Stephen Drew.

TIER UGGLA – “CAPTAIN RON”
Dan Uggla

I’m sure many of you have gone to great lengths, attempting to forget that “Captain Ron” happened. I’m here to remind you. In this dumpster fire of a film, we find Russell and Martin Short slumming it in what seems like the longest bad sitcom episode in history.

I’m not even going to waste much time making fun of “Captain Ron,” because it’s so much worse than even “3000 Miles to Graceland.” About a third of the way through it, you will hate every single character — especially Short’s worthless, emasculated corporate-drone husband. Also, somebody thought it was a good idea to dress Russell up like a try-hard hippie attending his first Bonnaroo.

To be fair, “Captain Ron” isn’t quite as bad at being a movie as Dan Uggla is at being a baseball player, but it’s the closest comp in the entire catalog of Kurt Russell films.